Changes...

I've been perculating on this blog for a week or so trying to figure out exactly how to say what has been on my mind. As stated in my title there have been a lot of changes in my life lately. A week ago I would not have seen the biggest change as a good thing but I do now. I am so much better, emotionally and mentally. To be brutal about this, the person I declared love to decided he didn't love me back. I know he would argue with that but it's true. If he did he would've chose me and he didn't. I'm actually not bitter. Not so pleasant feelings are creeping up while I'm writing this because I'm forcing myself to think about all of this but I'm actually happy. All of this crap made me realize what I want, what I don't want, what I deserve and what is not good for me at all. I deserve no less than to be loved for who I am. Love should not be hard. Being in love should not be hard. The other day I cried my eyes out for about 5 minutes because I finally let myself mourn the loss. I needed to mourn it. It needed to be gone. It wasn't healthy. And I don't just mean holding onto someone who doesn't feel the same about me as he once did, but holding onto something that isn't healthy at all. As I look back on things our relationship wasn't healthy. We were madly in love at one time but I think we were both in love with the idea of being in love but not actually in love with each other. I freely admit that I tried to change Eric into my "ideal" while claiming he was already that. That obviously doesn't work. You can't change someone to make you happy. Yeah, you can suggest changes but when doing that think about why you're suggesting the change in the first place. Is it for you or the other person's benefit? I wanted better things for Eric but I think it was so I would be happier, too, and I can't change anyone to make me happy. On the other side of that I tried changing myself to fit him and his personality and I wasn't being true to myself. It wasn't intentional deception, just trying to explore facets of my personality. And you know what I discovered? I am not a "bad girl". I am not a wolf in sheeps clothing, I am more of a sheep in wolf's clothing. Pretending to be "bad" because it's fun. But pretending can only be fun for so long before you have to put away the costume. I do have "wicked" parts of me but they are not dominate. Everyone has that part of themselves. Some are comfortable showing that part all the time, others aren't. I am in The Other's category. We did have similar interests but I think where it really mattered we didn't mesh well. I felt like I had to be the bad girl all the time and that's not me. I wanted to belong to him and his world and I really was just an outsider. In retrospect he did the same for me. He tried to fit into a world where he didn't and I know he felt out of place he just didn't want to hurt me so he never said anything. There is a difference in compromising and completely giving in and we both completely gave in while trying to convince ourselves we were compromising. I don't regret my relationship with Eric. I am thankful for it because it was a learning experience. It helped me to grow. It really did help me to see what I need and what I don't. It also taught me how I need to react to situations and how not to. It did give me a taste of what love really is so I know what to look for in the future. I know I will probably still make mistakes, I am human so I am expecting it, but I can learn from what I've been through lately and be a better person for it. Never know, one day God may use my experience as a testimony to help someone else. As a symbolic gesture to starting over and moving on I chopped my hair off yesterday. It wasn't to defy anyone. It was a "I am finally going to do what I want to do and wear my hair the way I want." thing. It was time. I was finally ready to let go. To be myself and stop trying please everyone else, which I have an horrible habit of doing anyway. The emotional baggage fell to the floor with my hair and it was exactly what I needed. I still believe in Prince Charming and true love, I've just come to be honest with myself enough to admit I haven't found it yet.