Changes...

I've been perculating on this blog for a week or so trying to figure out exactly how to say what has been on my mind. As stated in my title there have been a lot of changes in my life lately. A week ago I would not have seen the biggest change as a good thing but I do now. I am so much better, emotionally and mentally. To be brutal about this, the person I declared love to decided he didn't love me back. I know he would argue with that but it's true. If he did he would've chose me and he didn't. I'm actually not bitter. Not so pleasant feelings are creeping up while I'm writing this because I'm forcing myself to think about all of this but I'm actually happy. All of this crap made me realize what I want, what I don't want, what I deserve and what is not good for me at all. I deserve no less than to be loved for who I am. Love should not be hard. Being in love should not be hard. The other day I cried my eyes out for about 5 minutes because I finally let myself mourn the loss. I needed to mourn it. It needed to be gone. It wasn't healthy. And I don't just mean holding onto someone who doesn't feel the same about me as he once did, but holding onto something that isn't healthy at all. As I look back on things our relationship wasn't healthy. We were madly in love at one time but I think we were both in love with the idea of being in love but not actually in love with each other. I freely admit that I tried to change Eric into my "ideal" while claiming he was already that. That obviously doesn't work. You can't change someone to make you happy. Yeah, you can suggest changes but when doing that think about why you're suggesting the change in the first place. Is it for you or the other person's benefit? I wanted better things for Eric but I think it was so I would be happier, too, and I can't change anyone to make me happy. On the other side of that I tried changing myself to fit him and his personality and I wasn't being true to myself. It wasn't intentional deception, just trying to explore facets of my personality. And you know what I discovered? I am not a "bad girl". I am not a wolf in sheeps clothing, I am more of a sheep in wolf's clothing. Pretending to be "bad" because it's fun. But pretending can only be fun for so long before you have to put away the costume. I do have "wicked" parts of me but they are not dominate. Everyone has that part of themselves. Some are comfortable showing that part all the time, others aren't. I am in The Other's category. We did have similar interests but I think where it really mattered we didn't mesh well. I felt like I had to be the bad girl all the time and that's not me. I wanted to belong to him and his world and I really was just an outsider. In retrospect he did the same for me. He tried to fit into a world where he didn't and I know he felt out of place he just didn't want to hurt me so he never said anything. There is a difference in compromising and completely giving in and we both completely gave in while trying to convince ourselves we were compromising. I don't regret my relationship with Eric. I am thankful for it because it was a learning experience. It helped me to grow. It really did help me to see what I need and what I don't. It also taught me how I need to react to situations and how not to. It did give me a taste of what love really is so I know what to look for in the future. I know I will probably still make mistakes, I am human so I am expecting it, but I can learn from what I've been through lately and be a better person for it. Never know, one day God may use my experience as a testimony to help someone else. As a symbolic gesture to starting over and moving on I chopped my hair off yesterday. It wasn't to defy anyone. It was a "I am finally going to do what I want to do and wear my hair the way I want." thing. It was time. I was finally ready to let go. To be myself and stop trying please everyone else, which I have an horrible habit of doing anyway. The emotional baggage fell to the floor with my hair and it was exactly what I needed. I still believe in Prince Charming and true love, I've just come to be honest with myself enough to admit I haven't found it yet.

So...

...I normally do not write uber personal blogs because I don't like everyone knowing everything but since there is really only one person who reads this blog anyway, I guess it doesn't matter, especially since this post is about him anyway. Not all about him, just how I am coping, or rather not coping with things.

A question that has been stuck in my head today is, "can love get you through anything?" and "Is love enough?". The hopeless romantic in my wants so badly to believe so. I have loved a certain man, he knows who he is, for 11 years. That's nearly half of my life. That's pure insanity to think about but even through all the ups and downs I wouldn't trade it for anything. There is not a single minute of passion I would trade to make any second of pain disappear.

The passion. I miss it. Even just little mundane things had passion in them. Eating mac and cheese from the pot over the stove even had love it in. Everyone disappeared. It was just us standing there eating mac and cheese with one fork.

When did needing to spend every moment together and not being able to be in the same room without touching end? Why did it end? Lord knows I have made ample mistakes the past year and a half and I wish I could take all the hurt I have inflicted back. I truly want to believe that this time apart and getting everything in order "for us" is worthy the pain being apart is causing.

The part that really boggles my mind is that if you love someone and still believe that you are meant to be with that person how can you not be with them? I know circumstances can prevent immediate togetherness but why "spend time" with someone else knowing that person you are "with" isn't the one for you? Maybe this is just me and don't fully understand but if you love someone and still believe that that person is your soul mate and that they won't ever find someone so better for them than you then why be with someone else? Even if that person you want to be with is far away. Wouldn't the feeling you get from hearing I love you from the person you love close the distance. Wouldn't talking about the future that you know you will have, that you are fighting so hard to have make it worth it. I know there is still pain and hurt and it does take time to get over but doesn't it make a person hurt knowing that they are hurting the person they love by not being with them? By being with someone else? By not being with the person you believe deep down in your heart are you not living a lie? But you know the funny part is, and it's even funnier that I understand the logic, that I understand where it's coming from. He knows I will be here, waiting, no matter what. Does that make me a sucker? Probably. But I also like to think of it as loving someone NO MATTER WHAT. I have not done that. Actually, that's not true. I did, I just let others influence me to make me not anymore. What lesson have I learned? That you can't let anyone else decide the matters of your own heart.(those words could come back to bite me in the butt later but it's how I feel)

These questions aren't to dig, they are just questions I've been asking because I've been examining love and the things we do for it and the things with do because we love so much, so deeply that not even talking to them for a day makes you hurt all over. Makes you heartsick. Makes you wander around like a zombie like something is missing.

Sounds like I want to make immediate plans doesn't it? The only sure fire thing I know is that I love this man with everything I have, that I have treated him horribly because of my selfishness and that I cannot be with anyone else. My heart won't let me and frankly, I don't want it to let me. I can completely and totally see why he would be scared to give his whole heart when it's been destroyed, not once but twice. But you never stop loving someone. Yes, the bad times fucking suck but the good times make up for them. At least they should.

Want to hear something incredible? I know, and would bet my life on it that, this man I love loves me just as much, that his passions are just as intense, if not more so. Our feelings are the same but hurt and fear of being hurt again is keeping both of us from committing completely.

Despite all of this hurt and confusion my love for this man, this true love, causes me to announce I would marry him tomorrow. Marrying would not make all of our problems go away but I long to call him my husband and honestly I don't care who knows it. I have let everyone else's opinions cloud what I want. What I've always wanted. Why would a sane woman throw away a relationship with a man that makes her laugh constantly, let's her be her true self: good days, bad morning breath, and bitchy PMS days and all. And most importantly of all he loves her. He loves me.

Love really is the most important thing, and I will quote a needlepoint that hung on my grandma's wall since I was a little girl, "Without love there is no joy". That is the truth. You can't be happy without love.

This man that I love, that loves me in return, is asking the most impatient person in the world to be patient. I do not want to let him down or disappoint him but not being flat out is really hard to do. He knows I want to ask him to not be with this other person anymore and only be with me, so I guess I am asking.

To the man I love, Be with me and only me, whatever that means for us right now. I don't care what that means as long as I can hear you say you love me. I am meant for you and you for me. I need you more than I've ever needed anyone. I just didn't realize it until I let you go. Stupid me. But I don't just need you, I want you. You are my Darcy ,my Noah, my Henry. You are all of those. But most importantly, you are my Eric. I want you, just the way you are.

Latest fasination...

This is Henry Cavill. He plays Charles Brandon on The Tudors(excellent show that everyone who loves history and great acting should watch). It's not just that this guy is so easy on the eyes, which lets face it, he is, he is an extreme talent. He's slated to play Superman in the latest movie and I'm anxious to see it. I'm not big on superhero movies but I'll venture out to see this one.

So why am I so fasinated? Honestly, I'm not sure. There is just something about this guy. A sincerity that is meshed with raw manliness and confidence and I don't think it's just him playing a character. Spoiler alert but when his character died at the end of series I shouted at the TV "Why?!" Something else is that he is the ultimate romance novel hero material and since I write romance novels(or am attempting to write them)it is nearly impossible for me not to think of him that way. Seriously. He's ruggedly handsome and just has a certain manly look about him that every woman that cracks open a romance novel expects out of a hero. He recently became the face of one of my latest heroes so now I have an excuse to stare at photos of him. Let's call it research, shall we? It sounds less stalkerish. I love having an imagination is all I am going to say.

I do feel a little silly about blogging about an actor after months of radio silence but why not? It's my blog. Never know, he might stumble upon it someday. Not the intention of writing this blog at all but, what the hey? I've actually found my own blog while looking up things about Jane Austen so it could happen!

Happy reading!